Last week, I witnessed a demonstration of the Speaker-Listener Technique that became the standout highlight of the conference I attended.
Jokingly, the emcee introduced the three presenters as follows: “A Christian, a Sikh and a Latter-Day Saint walked into a bar. One was from the north, one from the south and one from the middle of the US. One identified conservative, one liberal and one moderate.” Everything was true, except for the walking into the bar part.
Three presenters then walked onto the stage, facing an audience of over 200 people. The southern, Christian, conservative then sat across from the northern, Sikh, liberal and they began demonstrating the Speaker-Listener technique. The Speaker shared how frustrated he was for being judged for his beliefs, and the Listener listened actively, following the Speaker-Listener instructions as best he could.
Speaker-Listener Instructions
Speaker has the floor while Listener actively listens until Speaker is finished speaking. When Speaker is finished, Listener can become Speaker as roles are reversed. The Speaker-Listener roles can change back and forth as desired.
Speaker
Speak for yourself; Use “I” statements.
Keep statements brief.
Pause to let the Listener paraphrase.
Listener
Paraphrase what you hear.
Focus on understanding Speaker’s message. Don’t rebut. Understanding doesn't necessitate agreement.
Speaker keeps the floor until Speaker is finished.
The purpose of the demonstration was to show how to “communicate respectfully across differences” in an “increasingly diverse and interconnected world” by demonstrating empathy and active listening.
To be honest, it was clunky. They didn’t demonstrate it well at first, but the audience learned from their attempts regardless, and soon the presenters invited the audience to pair up and try it out. That’s when we had all the feels.
I paired up with a total stranger, Sarah, whose close friend from age four had taken the opposite political turn that Sarah had taken. Sarah was so distressed by her friend’s politics that she had stopped accepting her friend’s phone calls.
“Perfect,” I said. “Should we practice the Speaker-Listener technique with this scenario? I can role play your friend.” Sarah was game.
As Speaker, I started spouting about how offended I was by the other party’s beliefs (and boy I had fun playing it up!) When I paused to let Sarah paraphrase, she did ok at first, but couldn’t sustain the active listening. She started defending her beliefs. Vehemently. So I switched to Listener and shortly, the session leaders paused us for questions before inviting us to reverse roles.
Truly Listening
We decided to try again with Sarah as Listener. I resumed full bore with another political rant, and this time, Sarah truly listened. She paraphrased. She acknowledged how hard it was for me. I felt truly heard. Then she leaned forward, her face sad, and said, “I miss you.” We both teared up and hugged from our chairs. She took a deep breath and said, “Thank you so much. I have to go call my friend.”
That experience was powerful. It opened a place in Sarah’s heart to reconnect with her childhood friend as a human being, not as an ideologue. I’ll never forget it.
I’ve started to practice truly listening with my family members whose political beliefs differ from my own. I’m not good at it. With family, I’m far quicker to defend, get angry, or simply switch topics. But I’m getting better.
I've learned that when I truly listen, when a speaker feels truly heard, their strident attempts to convince me that I'm wrong, abate. We can disagree without being disagreeable.
It helps that I now hold liberal-conservative as a polarity. As with any polarity, one ideology is not more correct than the other, despite my fierce desire to cling to one. As I’ve forced myself to acknowledge the problems that arise when my preferred politics are overused, and I’ve recognized the genuine need for the opposite party’s ideology to keep the ongoing tension healthy for our country, I’ve been able to engage in political conversations with my family members with more ease, grace, acceptance, and love.
I’m going to need these Speaker-Listener skills over the next three months leading up to the US election, and beyond. We all need these skills. Regardless of the election outcome, we are one country, we are the United States. We can do this.
To learn more about managing polarities in family conversations, join my mailing list and/or read my new book, Hug of War: How to Lead a Family Business With both Love and Logic which launched on July 12th!
Insightful!